Things started going downhill in your relationship after a while. They started pulling away more and more, which really confused and hurt you. When you tried talking to them about it, they just shut you out completely. Now you know in your heart that it’s time to end it, even though it’s tearing you apart inside.
Breaking up with someone who’s dismissive and avoidant is rough. You’re going to go through itâfirst, you’ll be in denial about what’s happening, then you’ll get angry, maybe you’ll try to bargain with them to fix things, and then you’ll feel super depressed. Eventually, though, you’ll start to accept it.
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style
The Signs
Dismissive avoidants crave independence and self-sufficiency. They have a hard time opening up emotionally and trusting others. If your ex exhibited traits like needing a lot of “me time,” avoiding intimacy, and staying emotionally distant, they likely have this attachment style.
The Break Up
When dismissive avoidants end a relationship, they can seem cold and aloof. They compartmentalize their emotions and push you away to protect themselves. Don’t take their indifference personally – it’s a defense mechanism. They may say the break up is mutual or that they’ve felt this way for a while to make the split feel less painful.
The Aftermath
If they were a dismissive avoidant, they probably already started to detach before the actual breakup happened. Meanwhile, you’re just sitting there feeling confused and hurt by everything that went down. I know it can be tough, but try your best not to sit there and replay all the good memories over and over in your head or obsess about what went wrong. The best thing to do is stay active.
Healing And Growth
Use this experience as an opportunity to become more self-aware and work on your self-esteem. Learn to set boundaries, express your needs openly, and walk away when they’re not met. Don’t chase someone who can’t give you what you want. The healthiest relationships are built on mutual trust, honesty, and interdependence. And when you’re ready, the right person will come into your life.
#1 The Idealization Stage
Once you’ve decided to end things, the idealization stage sets in. You start remembering only the good times, forgetting why the relationship wasn’t working. You wonder if you’re making a mistake.
Rose-Colored Glasses
Your dismissive avoidant ex may start acting like the person you first fell for. Don’t be fooled. This behavior is temporary and manipulative, meant to reel you back in. Take off those rose-colored glasses and see the relationship for what it really was.
The Temptation of Contact
You may be tempted to call or text your ex. Fight this urge. Contact will only strengthen your emotional attachment, make the pain last longer, and give your ex an opportunity to manipulate you.
It’s going to be an emotional road ahead getting over this, but if you remember why you broke up in the first place and don’t let them manipulate you again, you’ll start to feel better over time.
#2 The Devaluation Stage
Once the break up sinks in and becomes real, the dismissive avoidant will start to devalue you and the relationship to protect themselves. This is a classic defense mechanism to avoid feeling the pain of loss or rejection.
They may say things like, âThe relationship wasnât that great anyway,â or âWe just werenât right for each other.â Donât buy into these excuses. This is their way of dismissing the connection you shared in order to escape painful emotions.
They Erase Your Shared History
The dismissive avoidant will now rewrite history to make the relationship seem insignificant. They may pretend your time together did not impact or change them in any way. They want to believe they can go back to who they were before they met you.
But come on, you know better. You two went through stuff that impacted you both as people. It hurts that they’re dismissing what you had. But don’t let them make you question the real experiences you shared. Your memories are real, even if they don’t want to claim them.
Lack of Closure Makes Moving On Difficult
Ending a relationship with a dismissive avoidant can feel abrupt and incomplete without closure. But constantly hitting them up when they’ve made it clear they don’t value you will only make you feel worse. As hard as it is, you have to accept that you may never get the explanation you want.
Think about what happened in your relationship, feel all your feelings, and work on feeling good about yourself again. Don’t let their hot-and-cold behavior stop you from moving forward in a way that’s right for you. With time, the need for closure will fade, and you’ll start to feel better.
#3 The Discard Stage Whiplash
After the pleading and promises stage comes the discard – the abrupt end. The dismissive avoidant pulls away completely, cuts off contact, and acts as if the relationship never mattered. This emotional whiplash will leave you reeling. One day youâre important, the next youâre worthless. The hot and cold behavior is manipulative and cruel.
Feelings of Worthlessness
Being discarded so callously makes you question your own value and worth. You start to internalize the blame and wonder what you did to deserve this treatment. The truth is, you did nothing wrong. The dismissive avoidantâs inability to emotionally commit is due to their own deep-seated issues, not you. You were just unlucky enough to get attached to someone incapable of attachment.
Anger and Obsession
As the shock wears off, anger will start to set in. You may obsess about the relationship and pour over every little detail to figure out what went wrong. But no amount of analysis will lead to closure. The only thing that will help you move on is accepting that you were in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person and that you deserve so much better.
Healing And Letting Go
The final stage is releasing yourself from the emotional grip of the dismissive avoidant and reclaiming your confidence and self-worth. Block them from contacting you and focus on self-care. Reach out to your real friends and fam, get active, write in a journal or start a blog online – anything to help you feel better. I know it hurts now, but it won’t always. Before long, the pain will start to fade. Then, when you look back on that relationship someday, you’ll do so with a clear head and hard-earned wisdom. And you’ll feel proud as hell of how strong you were getting through it
Forgive Yourself And Your Ex
The relationship is done, and it’s time to turn the page and leave the past in the past where it belongs. You have to make amends with what happened, no matter how rough it got. Do something to show you and them that it’s all good now. Without really letting it go, how are you going to move on? You have to do this for you.
